Retrospective

As I reflect on the blessing that this adventure has been in my life I looked back to when I first came up with this crazy idea.  Below is an excerpt from my journal.  It starts during a mid-dregree crisis at UW and completes the summer after I graduated and I was having a difficult time getting a job and started looking at other options.  And here I am, three and a half years later. Wow.

10 February 2005

Today in ethno we had a special guest- Lee Higgins a samba specialist from Liverpool, England.  He spent two days doing Brazilian Samba music with us and it was the most fun I’ve had in my life.  Not only was his British accent so much fun to listen to but the drumming was so much fun that I want to learn more and to teach it to kids.  [That summer I joined a Samba Band with the UW experimental college.  It was great fun.]

12 February 2005

Our friend Lee Higgins inspired me to start looking into schools in the UK.  It was all part of a bigger mid degree crisis that had me online all weekend researching grad schools. I just feel like I’m not getting to study what I want to.  I value everything that I’m learning and I know it’s important but there’s so much more I want to do.  The Manhattan School of Music has really captured my imagination.  It has a great looking jazz voice masters program.  There are a thousand reasons why it would never work but I sure like to think about it.  I’ve created a whole new set of bookmarks on my favorites.

30 July 2006

I also researched more online about grad schools. I looked again at other schools and confirmed what I already knew, that Long Beach has the program that will work for me. I also indulged in looking at schools in England again.  The Leeds College of Music offers a Masters of jazz that you can do in a year that would actually be cheaper than two years in California- tuition wise. So as usual, as you have noticed- these things have just taken over my mind and everything I think about but I think that I’ve had a break through…

So this morning we had presidency meeting and then visiting teaching.  During Sacrament meeting I was of course continuing to mull over plans and what I should do.  Not knowing what to do or where to go has kind of let the air out of my sails.  I don’t know where I’m headed so I don’t know how to prepare. Anyway during the musical number I was thinking about the possibility of actually in reality going to school in England.  I thought of all the things that I would want to know and who I should contact. What I need, I thought, is someone who I could talk to and ask all my questions to.  Well, just then the speaker got up.   Well since he’s only been in the ward for a few weeks he thought he’d introduce himself.  He served guess where, can you imagine?  In the England Leeds mission!  Not only that but he just graduated from UW and got back from a year study abroad in England.  He said he loves the UK.  I couldn’t believe it.  You could have knocked me over!  Is that a sign or what?  I had a difficult time paying attention after that but I managed.  

So then I headed down the hall to Sunday School.  The class was full and so I ended up standing in the back for a little while.  The first phrase that I heard the teacher say was, “so if the Lord prompts you to do something in your life- you need to just do it no matter how scary it is and trust that it will work out.”  

  On the way home I was thinking more about the experiences of the day and what it all meant.  I thought back to the June before I turned 21 when I was supposed to be turning in my papers.  I knew it was time to start getting ready and that the Lord wanted me to go but I just felt panicked inside and not ready.  It didn’t feel right.  It was shortly afterwards that I received the answer that I was to wait.  That year wait was so important in my preparation.  

 I came home and talked with the parents and then took a little nap.  When I’m feeling good it’s easy for everything to sound like a good idea but then I was semi awake from my nap and felt really tired and I thought how on earth could I do something like move to England? But, I was able to tell myself- well sure I’ll be tired there, I’ll be tired anywhere, I’ll just take a nap.  This was a big moment because usually if I have a plan that frightening fatigue will scare it away.

And so here are things as they stand. I feel more excited about this than anything in a long time.  I feel that kind of excitement like “We’re going to Disneyland!”  It’s lit a fire in me and given direction and purpose to everything I do.  I keep wondering at myself when I realize that there’s a part of me that says, “Who do you think you are to be so self indulgent as to go and get a masters in jazz studies?  And live in England for a year?” But the more I think about it the more I really want it.  It’s really exciting to me as I learn about it and get closer to picturing parts of it happening. Another thing that feels liberating about it is freedom from what other people want me to do or think I should do.  I remember Daisy telling me that when she graduated from Central that everyone had an opinion as to what she should do.  I’ve kind of found that true but I’ve found more that since I didn’t know what I wanted that I would run around to get everyone else’s opinion.   When what really matters is what I want to do, and what I’m supposed to be doing.

So here’s the deal.  Tomorrow I begin a full out research blitz to learn everything I can to see if this is really a possibility.  If it’s not then something will happen to cause a course direction and send me in a new direction but for now at least I have a direction.  I started making lists of things to investigate. I have three UK books: one about universities, one about London and one about living and working in Britain.

There are some shady areas and downsides.  I understand that the English style of teaching is much more individually motivated with less class time.  I don’t really know what that means but it’s on my list of things to investigate.  I have a long list of questions about the program itself that I’m going to look into.   This may all just blow over like other obsessions in the past, but I really hope it doesn’t.  I think that it has the potential to really open up my life in wonderful and unexpected ways.